Some marriages, of course, endure for the sake of the children, for financial reasons, or because of strongly held religious views. The couple have, to all intents and purposes, secretly divorced or agreed to get a divorce at a later date. Such a couple usually maintain a facade of friendliness but satisfy their needs for love, companionship and sex elsewhere. This sort of marriage is remarkably common. Clinical experience suggests that only about a third or a quarter of marriages are what most would call successful. However some research indicates that the proportion of totally satisfactory marriages may be as low as a tenth.

A large number, of unsatisfactory marriages continue for very obscure reasons. The partners remain involved with each other but bitterly and almost all areas of conflict remain unresolved for years. Possibly these are good marriages that have simply moved in the wrong direction as we described in the previous chapter. People involved in these marriages have a most unsatisfactory way of life and often have physical or psychosomatic illnesses as a result. Many are on drugs that alter the mind and many are frankly depressed. Psychosexual and marital counselling can help. Having said this though, there is no doubt that a few couples actually seem to thrive on friction as a way of life.

This brings us to the subject of the ‘good’ and the ‘poor’ marriage. A marriage is good of the couple think it is, even if it seems poor by comparison with others. A good example is the marriage between two sexually inhibited people. Such people please each other yet may never have discussed their attitudes towards sex. Before marriage they do little (if anything) sexually and afterwards intercourse may well be infrequent and of poor quality. In some cases these couples hardly ever have intercourse at all, yet are quite happy. This way of life suits them and that is all that matters.

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