Not all complaints about condoms should be taken at face value.

Mr D. complained that using a condom often left him soft with no erection and his wife was disappointed. He was married with two children and the doctor felt surprised by the complaint. Later he told how he had recently led a discussion about contraception at his church youth club. It was OK to talk at church, but at home it was difficult. ‘Women don’t understand how men find it difficult to talk.’ He added, ‘Whenever she talks to me about condoms, it turns me off, and I wouldn’t want her to try and put one on me.’ This sounded like a polite complaint and the doctor listened quietly. Mr. D. went on, ‘If I join in the conversation when she goes on about coming off the Pill, she seems to get excited and silly and I don’t like that.’ It was becoming clear that his real worry was that his wife might want another baby. The doctor realized that these two people were not communicating. He observed the house – a few essential jobs done, but in need of partial rebuilding. He knew that Mr. D. was a carpenter who did his own small building jobs on the side. Why was his own home so neglected? The doctor reflected, ‘Sarah has to wait a long time to get what she wants from you.’ Mr. D. laughed uncomfortably and other subjects were talked about. That was a while ago. Sarah is now off the Pill, much happier and they are using condoms. He is on the waiting list for a vasectomy, and as he says, ‘It’s time I did my bit.’

Here was a man who was complaining that condoms made him soft, but discussion with his doctor allowed him to talk more freely with his wife and to identify his real worries that his wife might want more children. However, when they could communicate openly he discovered his fears were groundless and they could use condoms happily again.

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